Masturbation: A Satanic Stronghold

I wrote an article on this subject years ago before I ever had an inkling that I would ever be a Catholic.  I dug it out this week and read it over.  I was impressed by how differently I view God and His will for our lives now as opposed to then.  I'm thankful for the fact that God has kept the promise in my life's verse (John 14:21) and revealed Himself over time.  I'll insert some Catholic insights in brackets as I copy it so that it isn't too Calvinist. :)

Masturbation is one of those seldom talked about subjects.  Rarely is it mentioned from the pulpit or in Sunday School classes.  But on the rare occasions that it does come up, it stirs up a great deal of controversy.  Seventy years ago, it was thought that masturbation caused loss of hair, blindness, insanity or even death.  Many obscure Bible passages were used to condemn it.  Presently, or culture tends to favor a lenient approach to the practice.  I have even read from more than one source that masturbation is a moral act, an act of self-discovery, even an aid to sexual problems in marriage.  But I have never read anything like my own story.  Maybe I haven't picked up the right book or magazine.  Perhaps no one has had the courage to be gut level honest and admit what a Satanic stronghold masturbation has been for them.  So for those who know in their hearts that this practice is destroying them from within, I offer my own testimony.

I was raised in a home where we were taught that sex was just about the greatest gift God had given us.  I was taught that masturbation was God's gift to the single person or to the person who was in a marriage where they were not having their "sexual needs" met.  I was taught that sex was a need just like food, clothing and shelter.  That if we were denied sexual release, we might suffer all sorts of emotional and physical problems.  I grew up believing all these things like I believed that Jesus died for my sins. 

I lived most of my life convinced of these things, but constantly fighting a sense of guilt and distance from God.  Some experts believe that our parent or religious educators instill this guilt early on.  If that were so, I surely should have been completely at ease with my masturbation habit.  But I was not. 

Masturbation is sometimes viewed as the most moral option for a single person because there is no physical complications involved such as sexually transmitted diseases or unplanned pregnancy.  Even among those who hold to a moral perspective on sexuality, masturbation seems to be a victimless act.  Psychologists often suggest it to patients who are experiencing sexual problems.  (Doesn't that give it a kind of "medical marijuana" status?)

Masturbation was my first memory.  I remember hiding from my mother to do it.  (It ruled my life until 2001, when I was received into the Catholic Church.) I had perfected the art.  According to the experts, I should have been supremely prepared for marriage.

I married when I was 25 and immediately realized that  intercourse was nothing like masturbation.  Newly weds have much to learn about pleasing their spouses and in the marital act, there are two bodies and two brains involved.  Neither brain is wired to the other body.  Neither spouse is certain exactly how to satisfy the others wants.  The self service of masturbation is replaced by interdependence.  One who is used to self satisfaction is left frustrated by their spouses inexperience. 

When masturbation was combined with romantic or sexual fantasy (which it always is) no real-life partner can hope to measure up to the expectations of the other.  For my spouse and I, the frustration drove us into separate corners of the bed and eventually to separate corners of the house.

Because of the sexual abuse I had experienced from my father, I had a disproportionate view of sex from an early age.  He taught me methods of masturbation that I had not figured out on my own.  He praised me for being so "comfortable" with my sexuality and for masturbating frequently.  So when I approached marriage, I was certain that this same fixation on sexuality would not only continue but find its fulfillment.  I was angry and bitter with disappointment when that was not the case.

By the time I found myself facing Diane in counseling, I was a miserable, angry, sexually distorted woman who saw satisfaction as her right.  I knew I had sacrificed God in the process.  His Holy Spirit pressed hard on my spirit day in and day out.  (Ps 32:4)  I knew I was at a crossroad.

(If you've read the Out of Darkness series, you know that things moved quickly after I met Diane and we tackled many issues in just a few weeks.  After the first few steps were done, we began to focus on my sexual obsession.  It was a frightening experience.  Not only had I become so dependant on masturbation for sexual release, I had become dependant on it for stress relief and for inducing sleep.  I felt the the infrastructure of my life was being wrenched out of my grasp and I had no idea how to live.) 

First of all, my in ordinate sex drive was fueled by my undisciplined mind.  I was so addicted to sexual fantasy that it supplied all my emotional needs.  Basically, I was my own lover.  I met my own needs through my own imagination and my own hands.  Abandoning that practice meant that I was forced out of myself and into a reality that included a dysfunctional marriage where none of my emotional or sexual needs were going to be met. (It forced me into the Presence of God where my need truly was.) 

2 Cor. 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ."  The first thing I had to tackle was cleaning up my thought life.  I had to repeatedly avoid certain music, movies, TV shows, and daydreams that led inevitably to masturbation and robbed me of the presence of God in my life.  It was a minute by minute battle.  It meant sleepless nights, learning new ways of controlling stress, time in the scriptures, and immediate confession of sin.  It was like arm wrestling with Satan day and night.

I learned that sex is not a need.  It is a desire, but not a need.  A need is something we will die without or that we cannot serve God without.  I can live and I can serve God without sex.  Though it is a God-given desire, it is not life threatening or sanity threatening to live without it!  I learned that if I want to talk about what I deserve, I would have to admit that what I deserve is hell.  So rather than shaking my fist at God and demanding my "rights", I learned that God is the ultimate satisfaction of all my needs.

Now I have to admit, I started out typing the article I wrote years ago, but I just cannot write as a Calvinist anymore.  In fact, that's another subject I'm going to take on soon.  As a recovering Calvinist, I find that particular heresy destructive and contrary to the gospel.  But that's for another day.  I definitely rewrote this article as I went along.  The fact is that this battle raged on until after my entrance into the Catholic Church in 2001.  I can only attribute the victory over this Satanic stronghold to the sacraments.  They are our spiritual life support.  No amount of counseling, scripture, or accountability could keep me from sliding down that slippery slope into sin; but total dependence on the grace of God, constantly supplied in the sacraments, has sustained me for almost ten years.  And for the last seven of those years I have been single, celibate and utterly content in the Divine Presence of God.  No one can know what a miracle that is like I do.  You'll just have to take my word for it.

Next time, I will write about the affect this article had on my family and the clear evidence that masturbation was a Satanic stronghold in my family.  We never sin alone; not even when we are alone.